When is it OK for a therapist to talk about their pants? The answer is (I hope 🤔) right now!
Putting on my therapy pants!
My training was in Transactional Analysis. The ‘transaction’ is any interaction with another person, and one of the aspects that we ‘analyse’ is what ego state someone is in when they are interacting with someone else.
Too much jargon? Sorry. But ‘ego states’ is really shorthand for describing a way of being that is related to past experiences – and I love this model because it’s really easy to understand.
There are three ego states – Parent, Adult and Child. When you’re in Adult, you’re operating in the here and now; it’s a useful state for problem-solving and for managing day-to-day concerns.
Your Parent ego state is influenced by messages from your parents and other care-givers or important authority figures in your life. It’s the voice in your head that says “Don’t speak with your mouth full”, “Always put others before yourself” – and various other instructions and accepted wisdoms for getting on in life. Many of these help you get on and be accepted in society, but this voice can tip over into criticism and an internal voice that tells you you’re only OK if you’re keeping people happy, for example.
Your Parent can be nurturing as well, with messages like “You’ve overdone it this week, you’ll get overwhelmed if you see too many people” that can help you take care of yourself – but that can also tip over into “Don’t run! Don’t do anything spontaneous!”
Then your Child. Your Child often adapts to the Parent by responding to critical messages, and sometimes rebels by behaving badly, for example eating or drinking too much.
But you also have a Free Child somewhere in there. And this is the part that gets excited when it snows………..or enjoys swimming in the sea……or doing some kind of fun or joyful activity. For some people, this little guy doesn’t often get a look-in. It has its roots in a very young you, before all that conditioning and learning how to behave, and its focus is itself and what it wants. Selfish in a completely natural and positive way, it’s a vital part of your wellbeing!
“So what’s all this about your pants?”
(said nobody, as they’re relieved I’ve got off the topic).
WELL, I was reminded of the simple Parent Adult Child model the other day when I needed to buy some undies (long overdue because I hate shopping except when it’s for food). My internal conversation when I got into M&S went something like this:
🩲 I need new pants. (Adult)
Which ones do I normally get?
🩲 You won’t be able to bring them back. (Parent)
🩲 Oh dear, I’d better make the right choice. (Adapted
Why do they have to change anything ever? This is too hard!
🩲 Look at these red stripey ones! (Free
🩲 These ones look right. But where are they
made? Have they got plastic in them? (Adapted Child)
🩲 Perhaps I should try and get ones that are
comfortable for rowing in. (Nurturing Parent)
🩲 I’d better get it right or it’s a waste of
money if I can’t return them. (Adapted Child/Critical Parent)
🩲 Why don’t I try them on, there’s a fitting
room just here. (Adult)
🩲 OK, so which are the most ethical and also
comfortable and right for every possible occasion? (Parent)
🩲 Look at the stripey ones! I WANT THE STRIPEY
ONES! (Free Child)
Guess what? I bought the stripey ones. A daft illustration perhaps, but it gives a sense of how we can move between ego states from moment to moment – and it also shows how each state has their role to play.
People often assume when they first learn about this model that they should be in Adult all of the time. We’re adults, right? But actually, the reality is that our Adult is often contaminated by the Parent or Child getting in on the act and having a little battle with each other out of awareness. If you find yourself using the word ‘should’, there’s a good chance that you’re in Parent mode.
In the dialogue above, the Parent was, at least some of the time, concerned that I was going to be comfy in my new pants. That would certainly have been my mum’s driving message when she was buying pants for me when I was little, which I guess equates to ‘be sensible’ in my head.
The Free Child was reminding me that joy in simple things – red stripes
in this case – is OK.
So it’s not so much about it not being OK to be in our Parent or Child ego state, but it can be really helpful to increase our awareness of when we are being influenced by them – whether our response to something is based on the here and now or whether we’re being swayed by messages from our family history, or by beliefs of what keeps us safe from the imperfect logic we used to make sense of things in childhood.
One of my supervisors used to ask me – when I was feeling uncomfortable or unsettled about a choice I had to make “Are you making this decision from your Adult?” And that was really useful, because it would help me see that sometimes my decision-making was being influenced by a Parent-Child battle between ‘shoulds’ and beliefs of what I thought would ‘help people to like me’.
Much of the work of therapy is often about integrating these ego states into our Adult so that they can bring their own wisdom, experience and sense of fun into our day to day experiencing. When I’m working with clients, I’ll sometimes suggest that they pay attention to what’s going on in their body, as often this can tell us something about what their Child is wanting, or is afraid of.
And every day when I get dressed I smile when I pull out a pair of stripey pants. 🩲🩲🩲
Reference: Berne, E. Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy. New York, Grove Press 1961.
Searching online for ‘stress management’ brings up A LOT of advice and tips. Sometimes in itself that can be stress-inducing – “Oh bloody hell all the things I should be doing / need to do before I’ll feel better!” – which can add to the sense of pressure we feel.
My aim is to, first of all, reassure you that stress responses are normal – there isn’t anything wrong with you; and secondly, to remind you that you can do something about how you feel, and it’s OK to start small. You don’t need to get self-care right all the time. If you’re feeling stressed, the last thing you need is to think that there is yet another thing you have to fit into your day, or ‘get on top of’.
What is stress?
Well, it’s a bit hard to define because the word stress is used to describe both a cause and a symptom. People talk about being under stress, or feeling stressed, or having workplace stress. What I mean here by stress is the reactions that we have to what we perceive (consciously or unconsciously) as difficult or challenging situations or environments.
Stress symptoms are the body’s reaction to feeling threatened, when hormones are released that allow it to act so as to prevent getting hurt – the ‘fight/flight’ response. The heart rate increases, muscles tense ready for action, blood pressure rises (to get the blood where it needs to go), breathing speeds up. But there are very few situations in the modern world where we need to fight a bear or escape from a lion, so while a stress response causing you to slam on the brakes to stop hitting a bus is useful, a stress response to being asked to work an extra shift at work isn’t. Those tense muscles and racing heart become a problem when they can’t find an outlet.
What causes a stress reaction in one person may not affect another. Look at two people in one workplace doing the same job; one of them might not be able to sleep at night because of work stress; the other might be quite happy to go home at the end of the day and forget completely about work until 9am the next morning.
I’m not saying that if you feel stressed by work you’re
somehow to blame – after all, maybe you work for a shitty employer. Maybe you
work in a very pressured environment and there are lots of stressors around
you. Maybe there’s just a hell of a lot going on in your life. But – you can
cultivate a different attitude to most stressors. It doesn’t remove the pressures around you, but
crucially, it helps you feel better –
you’re alleviating stress.
Me and stress – old friends
What do I know about it? Well, I’ve a history of stress –
essentially workplace stress, I guess, though I never defined it. My feelings
of stress, as they built up, became intertwined with anxiety and depression,
and my typical pattern would be to withdraw when I felt under pressure. I felt
that contact with other people would prevent me from being able to hide that I
wasn’t coping and I needed to maintain control at all costs. ‘Coping’ is a key
word here; clearly I was coping – in
that I was still functioning day-to-day – but ‘coping’ wasn’t a happy place.
I would overthink things – trying to think myself out of a situation; I would distract myself thinking I might ‘forget’ how rubbish I felt; and I sort of lived in fear of the future, feeling that things could only get worse. Every now and then I would have a meltdown when the rigid keep-clinging-on-at-all-costs shell just couldn’t hold it in any longer, and that would give a brief relief until things started building up again.
The knowledge that other people, working in the same,
demanding, environment as me WEREN’T stressed didn’t help; understanding it was
my problem that I needed to do something about – no matter how supportively
expressed – added to my sense that I really wasn’t able to function properly as
How I de-stressed myself
So how did I change it? Various things – too many to remember. Some were small, but there was something about getting a little movement that started the ‘change’ ball rolling, until over time it gathered momentum.
I asked for help. I went to the doctor and got a
prescription for anti-depressants. To this day I don’t know how much of the
effect was the drug and how much the realisation that I could ask for help, but
my mood lifted enough that I was able to make use of a great CBT workshop with
a local community organisation, which helped me look at how my thought patterns
would get into a downward spiral – and how reflecting on these could help shift
me out of disaster mode. This worked for a while, and when I slipped back again
it didn’t take me as long to reach out – I’d done it before. I started to talk
to people about how I was feeling – even my family!
There were a couple of major events that happened in my life which jolted me enough to shift my priorities slightly – stressors in themselves, but they pushed me to check the reality of how much what I was stressing about really mattered. I was also lucky to have really solid support from my partner.
And then, longer-term, I was offered the opportunity of a counselling skills course and that pushed the ‘change ball’ onto a different path. Surprisingly, I found it OK that I had an extra thing in my week – because it shifted my focus slightly, and some of the other stuff began to look a bit smaller.
The greater understanding that I had of how I dealt with problems enabled me not only to make slight changes, but crucially my own therapy also helped me notice when I was giving it that double-whammy of beating myself up for beating myself up! Psychotherapy training is great for helping you understand the ‘why’, but in personal counselling I started to heal the anxious child within me, who made those decisions to protect me, and I supported them to make different ones.
It’s that which has enabled me to look after myself for no other reason than because I AM IMPORTANT. And even being able to write that in a blog is a sign of what a change there has been. I’m not going to pretend I never feel stressed now. But I recognise it and I take steps and I feel better sooner. I take some of the small steps that I’ve outlined below and in doing so it reinforces the commitment I’ve made to look after myself.
STOP right there!
It can be the hardest thing to STOP! To stop and take stock. Stress can produce a sense of an unstoppable hamster-wheel that speeds up and escalates and encourages you to believe that if you can only do MORE, run FASTER, work HARDER then you’ll feel more in control. But stopping really can help. If you’ve stopped long enough to read this blog: Well done! That’s a start!
The 10 stress management tips I’m sharing here are things which help me. I hope some of them may be useful for you.
Stress Tip No. 1: Manage your time gently
When you feel stressed you might have a sense that there’s just not enough time to get things done. But often we contribute to this by setting ourselves to-do lists that are simply unachievable in the misguided idea that we’ll get more done that way, and this adds to the sense of pressure.
The sense of achievement at having successfully met a goal can be energising, and the positive attitude gained from this leads to us being more ready for the next task. So, if you are a list person, write your normal to-do list. Then put aside HALF the items on it; given that you won’t have time to do them anyway, they can be moved to another day.
Then take ONE most important item from the list and focus on
that at your most productive time of day. For me, this is first thing in the
morning before coffee-time. For others it might be in the evening. But the most
important thing deserves your most attentive time.
If you still didn’t manage everything on your halved to-do
list – golly, you’re really putting
pressure on yourself. Try cutting it down further. Be a bit gentler with
yourself, huh? You’re only human.
Stress Tip No. 2: Practice saying No
This is a tough one for a lot of people. I get that, it’s
hard for me too. And it’s hard because most of us know that this is an
essential skill; when we say No we might feel guilty, when we don’t say No we
feel ‘bad at self-care’.
So I don’t want to dwell on the validity of saying No – that actually, only saying Yes to the things that we have time and inclination to do well is better both for us and the person asking us. Instead I’m suggesting that you notice what you could have said No to, and reflect on how you might say No next time, and that you start with the small stuff, those you feel ‘least guilty’ about. Saying No to small requests might feel it won’t make that much difference to your stress levels, but the important thing is getting yourself in the habit.
And when you say No, don’t make excuses why. At the very most just say “No, I’m sorry, but I can’t.” You don’t need excuses to look after yourself.
Stress Tip No. 3: Slow your breathing
Breathing deeply is beneficial for releasing stress, partly because the ‘fight or flight’ mode that we find we’re in if we’re stressed tenses everything up and we end up breathing high in the chest. However, taking deep belly breaths can be almost impossible for some people if they’ve got out of practice doing this, and it can actually be triggering for some people who have a history of trauma.
Instead, start by focusing on slowing your breath. Deep breathing can come later. Next time you’re feeling under pressure, stop for a moment. If necessary set an alarm on your phone for 5 minutes. You can afford 5 minutes.
Sit back in your chair with your feet flat on the floor and your hands in your lap.
Close your eyes, or look down at your hands.
Imagine yourself somewhere that you find peaceful or relaxing.
Breathe in for a count of four, then out for a count of four.
Notice the feeling of the breath moving in through the nose and out through the mouth.
If you find your mind drifting to your to-do list, just notice that, and say “Yep, I know you’re there” and then bring it back to that peaceful place.
Stress Tip No. 4: Drink water
Dehydration can increase levels of cortisol (the stress
hormone). Essentially dehydration is stressful for the body because it’s
deprived of what it needs to function well. Dehydration affects the flow of
blood to the brain which can lead to feeling fatigued. Sometimes we can also
mistake hunger for thirst – so if you feel like you need a snack to keep going,
take a drink of water first.
Perhaps you forget to stop long enough in your busy day to even notice that you’re thirsty. So before you settle down to work, get yourself a big glass of water and put it somewhere within your line of vision. That way you’re more likely to notice it’s there. If you work on the run, take a bottle and set an alarm on your phone to remind you to take a drink. Even stopping for the few seconds it takes to reach out and take a sip will shift your body position slightly, which is good too.
Stress Tip No. 5: Reflect on what you ‘need’ rather than what you ‘should’
What do I mean by this? Well, one of the things that we can put ourselves under pressure with, is all the things we think we should be doing. I look out for that word ‘should’, because it’s a real signal that someone is self-critical and has high expectations of themselves. Next time you think to yourself “I should be doing X”, reword it to “I COULD be doing X” – this way there’s less of a burden on you.
Then ask yourself if you WANT to do it. Ditch one ‘should’ from your week and add one thing that you enjoy – whether that be spending time alone, or spending time with people – whatever you need. Trust your instinct and if you hear a little voice saying you’re being selfish, say “I hear that you think I’m being selfish and that makes you feel anxious. Right now I’m looking after myself.” Because you are.
Stress Tip No. 6: Take a walk
The symptoms of stress are a flight or fight response which
is geared towards activity – preparing you to run away or to defend yourself.
Often people find that a really good workout after a stressful day can release
a lot of the tension they were feeling.
The thing is, we can get caught up in what we’re constantly being told about optimum levels of exercise. All I want to say here is “A little is better than none”. If you keep telling yourself you ‘should’ join a gym or go to Zumba classes but you just don’t know where to fit it in, you’re piling more pressure on yourself. Instead, start by fitting a 5 minute walk into your day. 5 minutes after your lunch or after a particularly difficult phone call. You’ve got time to do that. You can build it up from there, but with that 5 minutes you’ve made an active decision to look after yourself. Well done!
Stress Tip No. 7: Cushion your day
Create a buffer around your day by detaching from your phone
for 30 minutes at the start and end of your day. Is the first thing you do on
waking up check your phone? When your mind and body are still coming to, you
are more open and vulnerable, and seeing upsetting news stories, or being
reminded of family politics, can affect you more deeply.
Being constantly connected can add to that a feeling of time
pressure, that you need to ‘keep up with things’ – but ask yourself, what you
are checking your phone FOR? Think about ways that you can take care of
yourself without resource to the outside world. Perhaps you could start your
day with a 5-minute meditation. Or read a book with your breakfast. It’s OK to
protect yourself at your most vulnerable times.
Stress Tip No. 8: Do things that make you laugh
Laughter can help you relax; a big belly laugh gets the whole body moving, can dissipate some of those accumulated stress hormones and relieve tension. Laughter has many physical and mental benefits and is a way of strengthening connections with other people
Watch a silly film or TV programme. Reconnect with someone who makes you laugh. Even just pretending to smile and laugh has been proven to have health benefits – why not try that right now?
Stress Tip No. 9: Focus
Inner Relationship Focusing is a practice that can help you manage your stress levels. It encourages you to pay attention to uncomfortable feelings rather than trying to change them and it’s surprising how that alternative to trying to push a feeling away can really bring a change in itself.
As an example, imagine you’re feeling a tightness across
your chest as you worry about getting a piece of work finished. You try and
ignore it because you need to get on with that bit of work! Instead, you can
sit and pay attention to that tight feeling and develop a relationship with it.
You get a sense of what it’s trying to tell you (this feeling might be
associated with something you internalised as a child on having to get things
done or working hard). And because you’ve ‘listened’ to it, it relaxes a little
and lets you carry on with what you’re doing in a less stressed way. There are
similar practices and methods; Focusing is one that works for me and you can
teach yourself to do it with free resources (see the end of this article).
Stress Tip No. 10: Find a therapist
OK, you got me – therapy isn’t a quick 5-minute stress tip. But you can spare 5 minutes to look for one! Speaking to someone unconnected with the rest of your world can be really beneficial to get an understanding of why you are feeling so stressed – and what you discover might surprise you.
There may be good reasons that you are feeling stressed, especially
if you’ve had a number of changes in your life in a short space of time, and a
counsellor can support you to recognise that what you’re feeling is normal and
On the other hand, often we look for reasons outside us to blame our feelings of stress on, and while there can be all sorts of very real external factors that contribute to why we feel under pressure, actually working on how we manage our response to these is more helpful in the long run. And we can take control of our own behaviour and responses – whereas we can’t always control what goes on around us.
When counselling, I often encourage people to focus on what
they are doing well rather than what they’re not doing, and to consider how they can be kind to themselves,
which can then resource them better to deal with the strains of everyday
living. Get in touch with me if you want to find out more.
These are just some suggestions for managing feelings of stress. There are plenty of others and there are additional references and sources of information below. But start small; if you give yourself the target of a major life change to ‘escape’ stress, you may be setting yourself up for failure.
Remember – stress reactions don’t mean that there’s something wrong with you. But if you don’t pay attention to them they can take over your life and drain it of its colour. While external factors contribute, stress responses are an internal process, and you can make choices to do things differently and take more control. You will sometimes slip back – and that’s OK, because if you’ve made changes once, you can do it again, and practice helps you get better at it.
This week I’ve been fighting a bug. (You don’t need to feel
sorry for me, I’m doing a great job at that.) As I decided each day whether to
go ahead with client appointments I’ve been reflecting on what was The Best
Thing To Do – for me and for my clients. Never an easy one to figure out, this
is even less clearcut with online work when the factor of “Is it in the best
interest of my clients to be infected with my snotty bug?” is removed. And I
don’t have the additional effort of hauling myself through the cold to a rented
room in the city.
I’ve been remembering an article I read when I first started working with clients (alas, I can’t remember the reference) which spoke of the ethical requirements of self-care. That as therapists we have a professional obligation to look after ourselves so that we are in the best possible position to look after others. At the time I read it this was gold for me; if I had a duty to look after myself it meant that I would do it, as I could circumnavigate the internal messages that told me I was being self-indulgent by doing so. possible.
The downside of my interpretation of this requirement is that my tendency to ‘do things right’ then kicks in, in the area of self-care, too; I find myself asking myself if I’m short-changing clients by working when I’m not 100% in peak physical and mental condition (i.e. coming down with a cold). That battles against the belief that my clients need me, that I’m letting them down by cancelling. (As counsellors we sometimes forget that our clients continue to live and function pretty well the other 167 hours of the week that we’re not with them.)
I’m sure my perspective is skewed by being inside the therapy world, but sometimes it feels to me that counsellors are particularly demanding of themselves and each other in the need to do things right. Counselling attracts people who care, who want to do well for others, who want to ‘make people happy’. But sometimes we can be blinded to the value of making mistakes, of having to make a judgment call in a fuzzy situation. Black and white decision making is so much easier!
Self-care isn’t all chocolate cake and scented candles (as
pointed out in an article I shared a month or two ago). In this context – of
whether or not to cancel appointments – it’s not all about feeling sorry for
myself and curling up under a blanket. Even where I may have felt anxious in
anticipation, often I feel energised after a client appointment – something
about being so focused on the client, about the privilege of sharing their
world, about the magic that happens in therapy. Is depriving myself of that
feeling self-care? The total focus that I bring to a counselling session means
that sometimes I feel as I’m ‘coming back into the world’ afterwards. It’s
therefore an opportunity for me to be centred on something other than feeling
under-the-weather – surely a form of self-care?
And as therapists we often feel uncomfortable talking about
the reality that our work is also our livelihood – we don’t like the idea that
we’re charging people a fee for ‘being nice to them’. (NB: GuthrieTherapy
recently helpfully reframed this as “therapists are people you pay to teach you
how to care for yourself”.) We need to make a living, and I would be dishonest
pretending that potential loss of earnings isn’t a factor – financial survival
is self-care too. There’s a practical business aspect to this though: we need
to be good enough therapists otherwise our clients won’t come back. If we’re
putting ourselves under pressure or making a habit of working when we’re not up
to it, that won’t help the bottom line.
All of the above comes with the caveat that we need to not push ourselves to extremes – either of overwork or of self-care! As an example; today I felt I was functioning at 85%; I went ahead with the appointment; I did feel I had more energy afterwards but I knew also that I had recovery time, a buffer of a few hours before the next client.
I have worked in jobs where I would go in when I was feeling rubbish – ‘presenteeism’ we called it in the HR world – because there was stuff that I could do that took less of my energy, and because I felt I had to look like I was keen. I’ve also worked in jobs where I really needed to be 100% fit to cope with the demand of the role. Being self-employed the only person I’m fooling is myself and I just need to make a judgment and make the best of the situation.
As a therapist part of my work is modelling behaviour to the
clients I work with. What am I modelling if I feel like shit and go to work
anyway for the sake of my client? That the other person is always more
important than the self, that I have to rescue them? Instead I need to check
each day as it comes with the information that I have; am I fit enough to work?
And check at the end of the day; was I a good-enough counsellor? If some days I
decide I would have been better taking the day off, that’s information for the
future. And that way I’m modelling what it is to be human, that there are very
few black and white decisions and that being human is good enough.
***As a footnote: the week after I wrote this, the bug really kicked in, totally flooring me. At one point I started to wonder if I would ever be well again. This was a good reality-check to my musings; there was no way I could have worked in that state – I could barely even think, let alone ‘focus on my client’. It was a reminder that sometimes there are black and white decisions!
I had a conversation with a friend around New Year. We had both had periods during the festive season where we had been feeling sad in some way. Sad – what a lot that word contains. My friend used the words ‘sensitive’, ‘spiky’. My memory is of a mood of suppressed rage.
Two things occur to me now as I reflect on our brief chat. One is that I was really glad that she felt able to tell me. The second is that I felt relief that I wasn’t the only one that felt like this. You might think that, in my line of work, I would be well aware of the difficult feelings people experience over Christmas or holidays or family gatherings – and I am, more-or-less. Why were my social media posts, in the run-up to Christmas, so full of exhortations to self-compassion and the need to make space for yourself? Because I hope to remind and reinforce that belief in me, too, by reminding others! But although I am – these days – able to reflect on my responses and emotions at difficult times with more kindness, I am still learning……and I don’t always catch myself in the moment and give myself permission to feel whatever it is I’m feeling. Minute-to-minute kindness? Not quite.
However, one way that I realise I have changed is that my question, reflecting on my festive bad moods (Festive Bad Moods! I must remember that as a tagline to celebrate next year), has shifted from “Why did I feel sad?” to “Why can’t I let myself be sad?” and this is a really important difference for me. Lots of people come to therapy because they want to understand WHY they think / feel / behave as they do. I understand that, of course I do – I want to know those answers myself and just because I’m not asking that question today doesn’t mean that I won’t get frustrated by it tomorrow. But I also believe from my own experience that 1. You might never know and 2. Even if you do get the answer, it’s not necessarily The Answer. Even if you can pin down a cause, it doesn’t change how you feel……….only experiencing things differently, and lots and lots of practice, can do that. The answer to “Why did I feel sad?” in this case, was: I just did. And that’s OK; but I didn’t remember that at the time.
In my Transactional Analysis training, one of our core bits of theory was around “racket” and “authentic” feelings (English 1972). “Authentic” feelings are fear, anger, sadness and joy, each of which has a useful function in our lives (e.g. anger is what we use to tackle a barrier to where we want to go). “Racket” feelings are those which we have learned to use to ‘cover up’ the original feeling, so for example, if anger was considered an unacceptable emotion when you were little, and you got into trouble for being angry, you may have developed a coping mechanism whereby if you were angry, you would cry and get comforted for being sad. So over time you learn to overlay anger with sadness, such that as an adult, your response when someone treats you badly is to feel sad. You may never feel angry at all. (That’s not to say one feeling is more ‘real’ than the other, but words are imperfect and so we make do with what we have.)
I love this piece of theory and have spent hours trying to
puzzle out exactly how it fits for me, and why, and trying to remember scenes
from my childhood as ‘evidence’ for this…….and yet. And yet, although it helps
me understand myself more, I still find myself in situations where I feel what
I unconsciously label as ‘bad’ feelings, and try and suppress them, which often
ends in me feeling worse. I get less of an emotional ‘hangover’ from this than
I used to because I understand why I do it. But there is still something going
on, around trying to change my feelings, which feels judgmental.
I truly believe that there is no such thing as a bad
feeling…..but there’s a little part inside of me that’s not always convinced
when I apply that to myself.
So now I’m trying a new tack which is more about acceptance.
For me, this is enhanced by Focusing, which is a body-centred practice where I
bring awareness to feelings and sensations that are going on in the background.
The key with Focusing (which you can do alone or with a companion) is learning
to ‘sit alongside’ uncomfortable feelings rather than trying to change them.
This process in itself allows the feelings to shift and become less
uncomfortable because they’re no longer vying for attention or feeling
unworthy. This for me is also an important way of allowing the fears of my
inner critic (which after all, is only looking out for me) to be voiced. Focusing
is what works for me; I guess other people use mindfulness practice, or
meditation, or spiritual practices of other sorts that work for them.
Mind you, it’s hard to break the habit of wanting to ‘figure out’ or fix; a lot of the time I am paying attention to that part of me that wants to figure out…… before I can pay attention to other stuff. But there is something really key about the experience of allowing uncomfortable feelings, that helps, that is part of self-compassion, self-care……….something about not trying to make yourself change, in order to allow yourself to change. Permission rather than pushy parent.
So I think, actually, the title of this blog should have been “May I let myself be sad?”